I told you that I was a roadway of potholes, not safe to cross. You said nothing, showed up in my driveway wearing roller-skates.
The first time I asked you on a date, after you hung up, I held the air between our phones against my ear and whispered, “You will fall in love with me. Then, just months later, you will fall out. I will pretend the entire time that I don’t know it’s coming.”
Once, I got naked and danced around your bedroom, awkward and safe. You did the same. We held each other without hesitation and flailed lovely. This was vulnerability foreplay.
The last eight times I told you I loved you, they sounded like apologies.
You recorded me a CD of you repeating, “You are beautiful.” I listened to it until I no longer thought in my own voice.
Into the half-empty phone line, I whispered, “We will wake up believing the worst in each other. We will spit shrapnel at each other’s hearts. The bruises will lodge somewhere we don’t know how to look for and I will still pretend I don’t know its coming.”
You photographed my eyebrow shapes and turned them into flashcards: mood on one side, correct response on the other. You studied them until you knew when to stay silent.
I bought you an entire bakery so that we could eat nothing but breakfast for a week. Breakfast, untainted by the day ahead, was when we still smiled at each other as if we meant it.
I whispered, “I will latch on like a deadbolt to a door and tell you it is only because I want to protect you. Really, I’m afraid that without you I mean nothing.”
I gave you a bouquet of plane tickets so I could practice the feeling of watching you leave.
I picked you up from the airport limping. In your absence, I’d forgotten how to walk. When I collapsed at your feet, you refused to look at me until I learned to stand up without your help.
Too scared to move, I stared while you set fire to your apartment – its walls decaying beyond repair, roaches invading the corpse of your bedroom. You tossed all the faulty appliances through the smoke out your window, screaming that you couldn’t handle choking on one more thing that wouldn’t just fix himself.
I whispered, “We will each weed through the last year and try to spot the moment we began breaking. We will repel sprint away from each other. Your voice will take months to drain out from my ears. You will throw away your notebook of tally marks from each time you wondered if I was worth the work. The invisible bruises will finally surface and I will still pretend that I didn’t know it was coming.”
The entire time, I was only pretending that I knew it was coming.
Some things you can’t go back to,
some songs will remain silenced,
some places will stay haunted,
some eyes will be sought in any crowd,
some names will always prickle,
some dates will perpetually stall your pen,
some jokes will never again be funny.
So go find new ones.
Hear me when I say I’m not sorry.
I never spoke what I believed
never saw what I wished
never received what I sought
but I’m not sorry
I’m a train getting back on track
a trap being reset
a promise being phrased
not spoken, but written
in invisible ink
but with no less density.
I have recharged batteries
new bulbs and watts for days
light which you will never see through your neon goggles.
I choose to live in the sun.
Vampiracy never warmed me.
No, it’s you I pity.
Your bottomless last drink
same girl, different names
same walk, separate days
lost in your own backyard
I’m sorry you forgot what sunshine feels like.
But I don’t wish for repeats or rehash.
I don’t want more time or second chances.
That vein is tapped, embers turned cold.
We lost a game with no rules,
we gambled with fake jewels.
It wasn’t real, we didn’t exist.
But I’m not sorry
You’re the one holding shadows while you sleep.